[seowlang]

I was listening to J but my mind sort of drafted a little to recall when I started falling for her. And i thought: thats the bloody difference between guys and girls. guys always start with lust, well at least most of the guys i know. For me, i knew i was first attracted to J's body. It was physical attraction initially.
 
J stopped and was staring blankly into thin air. I decided to break the silence and talk about our first bike ride..
 
I: actually when you hugged me on my bike..
J: stop stop stop.. can u pls not remind me?
I: no, i was just saying..
J: no, pls dont say anything about it.
I: cool it ok. why r u so agitated again?
J: im not...*long pause* i just feel..*long pause again* cheap.
 
I got the hint that she was referring to the incident where she first touched me. I kept quiet waiting for her to regain her composure. She didnt speak again and instead kept sipping her drinks. I decided to talk.
 
I: J, no matter what happens, no matter what you think, I have never seen you as cheap. Never did and never will. if u find it painful or disturbing, i will never ever say this again to remind you. And the thing is, i wasnt even talking about that. I was just trying to tell you that i always feel kinda of hmm.. for the lack of a better word, manly when u hug me tightly on the bike. i feel that i can give you security and comfort. That was why sometimes i purposely ride faster so that you can hug me tighter!
 
J broke into a broad smile and slapped me playfully on my lap. I realised that i missed her smiles.
 
I: I dont ask for anything. I just want to see you smile more often like now. I want you to be happy. Promise me ok?
 
J looked me in the eyes for a long time and turned away without a word. I wanted so much to move over and kiss her but at the same time, i dont want to cross that line to upset or confuse her again.
 
I: when are your exams?
J: 2 weeks from now.
I: wah! thats very soon. please for goodness sake, can you concentrate and get it over and done with? its your final semester right?
 
J nodded. I held her hands and said..
 
I: I want you to know that we got into this together and stop blaming yourself. if anything, i was more at fault than you. but more importantly, pls put it aside and concentrate on your exams. its the final 100m sprint for goodness sake! dont give up without a fight. i will support u alright?
 
J: and how are you going to do that?
I: i will buy you a big present. something u like.
 
actually, i do not have a fcuking clue what she wants. but i knew i had some time to find out.
 
J: u better make sure.
I: deal. its late, let me send u home.
J: ok
 
we left the pub shortly.